Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
