I Thought That I Identified As a Lesbian - David Bowie Helped Me Uncover the Truth

In 2011, several years before the celebrated David Bowie show debuted at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I declared myself a gay woman. Previously, I had solely pursued relationships with men, including one I had married. After a couple of years, I found myself in my early 40s, a freshly divorced parent to four children, living in the America.

During this period, I had begun to doubt both my personal gender and sexual orientation, seeking out answers.

I entered the world in England during the early 1970s - before the internet. During our youth, my peers and I didn't have online forums or video sharing sites to reference when we had questions about sex; conversely, we turned toward celebrity musicians, and during the 80s, musicians were challenging gender norms.

The iconic vocalist wore masculine attire, The flamboyant singer embraced women's fashion, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured artists who were proudly homosexual.

I desired his narrow hips and precise cut, his angular jaw and male chest. I sought to become the artist's German phase

In that decade, I passed my days driving a bike and dressing like a tomboy, but I went back to femininity when I decided to wed. My husband transferred our home to the America in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw returning to the masculinity I had previously abandoned.

Considering that no artist challenged norms to the extent of David Bowie, I opted to use some leisure time during a seasonal visit returning to England at the V&A, with the expectation that maybe he could provide clarity.

I lacked clarity precisely what I was searching for when I stepped inside the exhibition - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, discover a insight into my personal self.

Before long I was facing a modest display where the music video for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the primary position, looking stylish in a dark grey suit, while positioned laterally three accompanying performers in feminine attire gathered around a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had seen personally, these female-presenting individuals weren't sashaying around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; rather they looked disinterested and irritated. Relegated to the background, they chewed gum and showed impatience at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, apparently oblivious to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a momentary pang of empathy for the backing singers, with their thick cosmetics, awkward hairpieces and restrictive outfits.

They gave the impression of as ill-at-ease as I did in female clothing - annoyed and restless, as if they were longing for it all to be over. Just as I understood I connected with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them tore off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Revelation. (Naturally, there were further David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I was absolutely sure that I desired to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I wanted his narrow hips and his precise cut, his defined jawline and his male chest; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, Bowie's German period. However I couldn't, because to truly become Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Announcing my identity as queer was a separate matter, but personal transformation was a much more frightening outlook.

I required further time before I was ready. During that period, I did my best to become more masculine: I abandoned beauty products and discarded all my feminine garments, shortened my locks and started wearing men's clothes.

I altered how I sat, walked differently, and adopted new identifiers, but I paused at surgical procedures - the possibility of rejection and remorse had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

Once the David Bowie display completed its global journey with a stint in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be an identity that didn't fit.

Facing the identical footage in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the issue wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a feminine man who'd been wearing drag all his life. I wanted to transform myself into the man in the sharp suit, dancing in the spotlight, and then I comprehended that I could.

I made arrangements to see a physician not long after. It took further time before my personal journey finished, but none of the fears I feared occurred.

I maintain many of my feminine mannerisms, so people often mistake me for a homosexual male, but I'm OK with that. I sought the ability to play with gender as Bowie had - and now that I'm at peace with myself, I have that capacity.